Westward hoe?

Jessica from Maryland asks via Facebook:

My boyfriend wants to move to Texas six months before me. He says it's to set up our financial and living situation while I finish school. I know it's because he hates me and wants to sleep with whores. How do I know if I'm gay?

First, you're gay if you want to fuck a lady. Don't waste my time with that shit. Second, my number one rule for handling serious boyfriends is to never let them out of your clutches. Men, at their very core, are never to be trusted--regardless of how loyal and sweet they are. This is because they are dumb like dogs and babies, and thus incapable of policing their own bad behavior. Sadly, many are doubly incapable of telling the truth about their transgressions. This is true, again, regardless of how good your man is. Don't ever forget that, Jess. Your boyfriend probably doesn't hate you, but I guarantee that he does want to sleep with whores. And if you allow him the opportunity, he will sleep with whores.

The cheeriest scenario is that your boyfriend is truly forging West early to make life easier for when you get there. The ugliest scenario is that he is attempting a very cowardly long-distance breakup. But sadly, even the cheery scenario may pan out into an ugly reality. Like I said before, the trustworthiness of a man has nothing to do with the merit of his character or earnestness of his intentions. So, even if his goals are sincere, he may end up meeting a whore in your absence and dumping you anyway. Worse, he might just cheat on you with a whore and keep it a secret. And in that case, you'll just end up wishing that he'd moved away and dumped you over Myspace.

If you do let him go to Texas alone, my advice to you is to get him fat (or fatter) and belittle him as much as possible. If you do that, you will lessen his game with women and tear his confidence to shreds. Make him think that you're the only woman that would ever want him. Using this tactic, your goal is for him to move away, hole up alone, masturbate frequently, work long hours, and live miserably and sloppily. Then you arrive, scoop up his frail body like Florence Nightingale, and make his lameass life worth living again. This confirms to him that he is, indeed, nothing without you. And it keeps him from sleeping with whores, if you're lucky.