I AM HERE TO HELP

That drank will make you thank.

2007-10-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who's submitted questions so far. You guys are pathetic! I'll get around to all of your emails as fast as possible--which should be easy because I'm currently unemployed. I got the following email all the way from sinful alien colony Los Angeles:

Dear Miss Helpzone,

This morning I am nursing a massive hangover. This is my second hangover in a week. How will I know when I've turned into an actual wino?

Thanks,

Bitten
(From Los Angeles, CA)

Hey, Bitten. Thanks for putting down your Jamba Juice and your In-n-Out Burger long enough to drop me a query. When I imagine what people in Los Angeles look like, they all have on high heels and sweatpants with rhinestones on the ass. Is this accurate? Anyway, you've made yourself sick on alcohol twice in a week. Alcohol is lame--right when things start getting fun, you puke. This reminds me of a few days ago, when someone very close to me waxed sentimental about his teen experiences with "robo-tripping." He was all like, "It's great! You drink a lot of cough syrup, then feel awful and puke really hard a few times. But after that it's total fun." Call me boring, but getting sick on purpose defeats the goal of having fun.

Back to your actual question: You aren't anywhere near becoming a wino, because you've got the internet. Just remember: Winos can't have homes, electronics, or wine glasses, but they can have dogs. Two hangovers in one week is pretty hardcore, though, and right now the only thing separating you from a wino is a house and a computer. I advise you to switch to illegal substances immediately. From what I've heard, huffing inhalants, popping pain pills, or blowing grass will get you mad lifted, yo, without all that burdensome vomiting and head pain.

Let me know how things go. I'm sort of worried about you.

That plant is poison: P-P-P-Poison!

2007-10-20T17:35:00.000-07:00

Jess from Jacksonville ax'd me this question:

I'm going camping soon. How do I tell which plants are safe to eat and which ones want to kill me with deadly poison?

I'm not any kind of plant expert, but I'm confident that your smartest bet is to not eat plants while you're on your camping trip. Tonight, at a stop light at the bottom of an I-95 exit, I saw a gallon jug on the side of the road marked "Drinking Water." It was filled with a dark brown liquid that looked just like sweet tea. Even though you like sweet tea, you wouldn't drink that, right? Because you know that it could be something far more horrible, right? And even if it was sweet tea, it's possible that someone pooped, spat, pee'd or threw up in it, right? Same with forest plants. Even if you look at a plant identification book and decide that a particular plant is non-poisonous, there always exists the possibility that a rat with the plague took a crap on that plant--or something. Of course, the same suspicion should be applied to commercial, non-forest foods. But when you're out in the woods, you're further away from a hospital. If you do happen to get sick from eating berries covered in raccoon pee, it will take longer to get medical attention and the infection might have time to spread to your brain.

I hope this helps. Can I come camping too? It seems like you need some supervision.

Westward hoe?

2007-10-10T14:40:00.001-07:00

Jessica from Maryland asks via Facebook:

My boyfriend wants to move to Texas six months before me. He says it's to set up our financial and living situation while I finish school. I know it's because he hates me and wants to sleep with whores. How do I know if I'm gay?

First, you're gay if you want to fuck a lady. Don't waste my time with that shit. Second, my number one rule for handling serious boyfriends is to never let them out of your clutches. Men, at their very core, are never to be trusted--regardless of how loyal and sweet they are. This is because they are dumb like dogs and babies, and thus incapable of policing their own bad behavior. Sadly, many are doubly incapable of telling the truth about their transgressions. This is true, again, regardless of how good your man is. Don't ever forget that, Jess. Your boyfriend probably doesn't hate you, but I guarantee that he does want to sleep with whores. And if you allow him the opportunity, he will sleep with whores.

The cheeriest scenario is that your boyfriend is truly forging West early to make life easier for when you get there. The ugliest scenario is that he is attempting a very cowardly long-distance breakup. But sadly, even the cheery scenario may pan out into an ugly reality. Like I said before, the trustworthiness of a man has nothing to do with the merit of his character or earnestness of his intentions. So, even if his goals are sincere, he may end up meeting a whore in your absence and dumping you anyway. Worse, he might just cheat on you with a whore and keep it a secret. And in that case, you'll just end up wishing that he'd moved away and dumped you over Myspace.

If you do let him go to Texas alone, my advice to you is to get him fat (or fatter) and belittle him as much as possible. If you do that, you will lessen his game with women and tear his confidence to shreds. Make him think that you're the only woman that would ever want him. Using this tactic, your goal is for him to move away, hole up alone, masturbate frequently, work long hours, and live miserably and sloppily. Then you arrive, scoop up his frail body like Florence Nightingale, and make his lameass life worth living again. This confirms to him that he is, indeed, nothing without you. And it keeps him from sleeping with whores, if you're lucky.

The First Help!

2007-10-10T02:27:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the best new advice blog on the internet. I am here--as in, on the internet--to help you with your most mundane questions, or your most complex decisions. An internet friend asks:

"how did you get so thin?? i really want to make a fish taco right now and am unsure as to how to stop myself."

Good question! If you're having trouble curbing your food intake, and if you must eat, try eating something healthy instead of something unhealthy. For instance, if I want an ice cream sandwich, I might have some popcorn instead. No shit, right? But if your appetite for lard is too great, or your willpower is too weak, I recommend self-abuse without mercy. Reflect bitterly on how disgusting you are. Try grabbing onto your gut or your inner thigh and tugging hard. While tugging, ask yourself how you got so disgusting. Hopefully, after employing this method a few times, it will become second nature and you will naturally associate hunger with hating yourself. This works, I promise.