The First Help!

Welcome to the best new advice blog on the internet. I am here--as in, on the internet--to help you with your most mundane questions, or your most complex decisions. An internet friend asks:

"how did you get so thin?? i really want to make a fish taco right now and am unsure as to how to stop myself."

Good question! If you're having trouble curbing your food intake, and if you must eat, try eating something healthy instead of something unhealthy. For instance, if I want an ice cream sandwich, I might have some popcorn instead. No shit, right? But if your appetite for lard is too great, or your willpower is too weak, I recommend self-abuse without mercy. Reflect bitterly on how disgusting you are. Try grabbing onto your gut or your inner thigh and tugging hard. While tugging, ask yourself how you got so disgusting. Hopefully, after employing this method a few times, it will become second nature and you will naturally associate hunger with hating yourself. This works, I promise.